Monday, July 26, 2010

An Honest Response

After my previous post, The Secret of an Easy Yoke, I received the following email:

I just read your blog and I really connected with it. I wrote the email below to my pastor today - I'm sharing it with you because I feel like you may understand. I don't ever want to talk about it - just be understood from afar. In psychology they say that if you keep on smiling when you are not happy eventually the emotions of happiness will follow. I guess I am hoping the same is true for faith - even when there is none, if I keep on pretending that eventually it will come..... I know it's not true but I don't know what else to hope for.

-A Friend

Dear Pastor,

I've done a lot of thinking since we talked and have come up with some answers. You asked why we kept on going to church after our previous one had wounded us and I didn't have an answer but I do now. There are 2 reasons - because my spouse still believes in God and because if we continued on with church like nothing happened the people at previous church would think that they didn't hurt us and we had the upper hand. I really have no other reasons for showing up and quickly realized after our conversation that I had put my feelings where they were not going to disturb me and began to 'fake happy' at church again. I have realized that I really don't have a problem with _______, but rather with the fact that he is the only one that has really asked me how I am doing and I have to be fake with him to protect myself and I hate it - but I hate it because of me not because of him. I have left the church just like so many people have, I just happen to still be showing up physically. I can convince myself that I want to believe when I am at church but I leave and I'm empty and my faith is gone. I know everything in my head but all of that can be easily explained away and I just don't have it in me to care. I can talk the talk, fake it to lead small group & to sing in the worship team but there's nothing beyond that for me and I just don't care anymore.

-A Friend

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